Coping well or can I use some help?

With me the awareness of my ADD came as a relief. It opened up fresh pastures for me. I could browse through the wisdom and articulation of others who had successfully grappled with their own beasts. I could take a page from Sari Solden, Dr. Edward Hallowell, Dr. Ari Tuckman and others. In spite of my apparent success, I was always very aware that I had to work twice as hard to appear half as good. Not for me the easy fluency and charming confidence that comes so naturally to some public speakers. In my high school and university years I took part in public speaking and yes, even won in competitive debates but only I knew how prepared I needed to be to accomplish what others thought came naturally to me.

Yes, I’ve always been introspective. It’s easy for me to look inwards to judge and rate my performance and efforts. Other ADDers I know, some still in denial, feel secretly as if they are impersonators or even frauds. There is an underlying feeling, even when they have great accomplishments to their credit, that they might inadvertently miss a step, and be found out to be an impersonator. With all their success, there is an underlying feeling of uncertainty. There might even be negative self talk. David S Burns has outlined exercises in his book to help one change the negative self talk to positive feedback.

Denial is natural. One cannot believe that a naturally operating person is in danger of being labeled now. However, it does one no good to be stuck in denial. ADDers invariably develop coping behaviors. In high functioning ADDers these coping behaviors help one achieve incredible success at times. Dr. Hallowell, Sari Solden, Michael Phelps are all ADDers recovering or otherwise but definitely coping. Successful ADDers not only live with their ADD but live successful lives. Dr. Hallowell and Sari Solden have chosen to help others with all the wisdom and insights their life with ADD has brought them. Michael Phelps is a glowing role model for younger ADDers just beginning their lives.

Coping mechanisms have a role to play in the ADD life. However sometimes these mechanisms get so inflated and are used to mask the real, naked self, perceived as weak and deficient. Sometimes these inflated masks balloon out bloated and gross with a transparency that others can see through. The ADDers, mostly in denial, are probably the only ones who believe they are covering up successfully. These coping behaviors are no longer helping but are in fact, in the way. These coping behaviors need to be unlearned. One must on the other hand, accept, educate oneself and in so doing empower oneself in order to flourish with the ADD well in hand.

Is it just a developmental lag?

Reading articles in Time saying
“….kids with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD..........hit peak ……….. an average of three years later than other kids” gave me some hope that I might actually not have to grapple with my monster in my later adult years. NIH scientists comparing brain scans of children 6 to 16, the ADHD and non-ADHD, found that “particularly those (parts) involved in thinking, attention and planning matured an average of three years later than healthy (sic) brains, but otherwise followed normal patterns of development.” Following this logic, the ADHD brain should normalize as one grows old. Some ADHD children do outgrow it.

However, doing a reality check with myself……no such luck!!!! It’s almost as if the older I get, the more addled this part of my brain gets. Ah yes! There was no trace of this in my school years. Outwardly no one would ever say I had any of these problems. I used to be very absent minded. If I was reading, people could walk into the room say something to me, even pick up the chair I was sitting on and move it to a different location and I could quite happily still continue reading, sometimes even unaware. Happily in those days “absent mindedness” was quite an acceptable trait. People were willing to forgive minor forgetfulness. It even had shades of a professorial quality.

It’s when I first started running a household on my own that trying to bring the kitchen back to order or keep stuff from accumulating on my desk turned out to be such a problem. It’s only in the last year or so that I even heard of the term ADD and ADHD. So for me there was no period of denial. Awareness and the education that came along with it actually empowered me. It helped me understand why things were always so difficult for me. It helped me become a little more patient with myself. I thought Ok so I’m not good for nothing! I’m not lazy and disorganized and messy. It’s just my ADD. My ADD is a monster I live with and grapple with everyday. But it’s not me. It does not define me. I can be patient with myself and learn behaviors to help me cope. I can join focus groups and hear experts in the field like Dr. Ari Tuckman and Sari Solden who can teach us strategies for coping. They can give us hope and energy to combat our everyday battles.